WTF Are You Wearing?

⚞⚞⚞⚟⚟⚟

⚞⚞⚞⚟⚟⚟

 Listen up people!   No one can see you jogging if you're wearing dark clothes!  No one! Look at yourselves.  You're wearing black while running on a black surface, in the dark. I saw one man running in full camouflage.  I do not believe I will ever see him again.  Is it the orange reflectors?  Is that what you think is going to save your ass?

It's a fact that 90% of people who enjoy an early morning run spend $23.00 on average for reflectors.  These reflectors are then stuck, wrapped, or fastened onto clothes usually reserved for funerals.  Reflectors are just that, they reflect light.  They do not possess superpowers.  You need to mix up those deathwish outfits with some white t-shirts, because frankly I'm tired of pulling reflector strips off the bumper of my car.

Here's the problem.  Doing the right thing for your health does not correct my night blindness.  I can't see no matter what kind of shape you're in.  Honestly, I support your desires to improve your bodies because I have to stand behind them at Starbucks. Yet, when I'm driving the winding roads of a dusky neighborhood, despite your valiant efforts, my vision is still vexed with halos & blurred figures. What appears to you to be three people jogging together, looks like an inflatable yard decoration escaping its moorings to me.  Thusly, it is within the realm of possibility that I kindly give it a bump back into the direction of it's home with my Chrysler 300 Heritage edition chrome radiator grille.

Now don't send emails asking me not to drive in the dark anymore.  It's not going to happen.  I've been planning this moment since I was 12.  My Uncle Doug made me realize a long time ago, I needed to save my dollars if I wanted to be able to drive past the age of 45. 

We were on the backroads of Tennessee headed for a floating trip on the Harpeth River when I noticed a double yellow line meant nothing to this man.  He hit a lot more animals than he missed. I believe he reduced the skunk population that day by half and I know he dragged a heavy object for more than 16 miles.  The moment I returned home I went to my sock drawer, grabbed all of my babysitting money, and headed for the Old Hickory Credit Union. 

After saving my money & investing in those personal computer companies in the late 80's I have ample financial protection.  I plan on driving until I can be cryogenically preserved.  There is enough money in my account to afford a town car the size of a Krispy Kreme, an adult booster seat that doubles as a private bar, $37,000 in car insurance, and enough hush money to survive eleven Russia investigations. I have planned this down to the last detail.

Trust me when I say I'm on your side.  I want you to be safe.  So when you wake up and start pulling running clothes out of your hamper think to yourself, "If it's White & Light I'll be Alright".  White t-shirts are the cheapest shirts you can buy.  Grab a handful of reflectors.  Slap them on that white t-shirt, accented by a white pair of shorts and you have an outfit that can be spotted from space.  No one can accidentally hit you.  If someone still crushes you with a Buick, you win anyway.  You might be dead, but your all white outfit makes for an indisputable crime scene.  Your loved ones will collect on a lawsuit big enough to shame any Kardashian.  So before you head out that door this morning ask yourself the safe question, "What the fuck am I wearing?"   

Porch Pirates?

The media has seriously botched the naming of a new type of thief calling them Porch Pirates.  America's ears are burning at the sound.  Good, hard working people across this country are having their holidays swiped off their porches by a lazy bunch of leaches who lay in wait for UPS to leave expensive gifts on the porch.  This is hideous enough, but to refer to them as pirates is a slap in the face and a cuff upside the head.  

First of all pirates knew how to navigate a ship, use a sword, fire a pistol, board a burning vessel, and save the bounty they so carefully stole from others.  Pirates had skills!  Blackbeard alone had a portfolio worth an estimated 12.5 million dollars.  These so called "Porch Pirates" have not earned the honor of being called a Pirate.

I-Team News 4 released a video this morning of some looser grabbing a brown box off someone's porch and running off with it.  That in no way constitutes a powerful, mystic character like Black Bart.  That was a meth addict named Duane jumping out of a two-toned Honda and snatching Grandma's Kitty Cow footie pajama's she was giving to her angel baby for Christmas.  His portfolio consists of three teeth and a half drunken bottle of  Mountain Dew.

If the media wants to do America a favor then come up with a name much less romantic like "Porch Pedophiles".  The name needs to be one which properly describes the kind of parasite that steals the joy from Maw-Maw's face at Christmas.  It needs to be one that strips these pathetic creatures of any trace of dignity and "Porch Pedophiles" is just the name to do it.

How To Guide For Christmas

5 Rules To A Wonderful Christmas

Rule #1 Save a Buck:  Hold off on that IPhone 5.  It will break you financially in 2 years with it’s “Unlimited Media Package”.  Instead of an extravagant gift for your child consider a more traditional idea.  Have little Ralphie watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” no less than 3 times.  Reality checks are the perfect gift for a ten year old.  He needs to know that no matter how bright and promising his future appears, he could easily find himself hugging a frozen rail in the middle of a bridge on the outskirts of town.  His one hope would come from a defective angel who’s only claim to fame is that the good Lord himself is one day away from kicking out of heaven.  And even with the best turn of events he will end up depending on the charity of others to survive.  If that doesn’t make him appreciate the roof over his head and the automatic stapler under the tree, I don’t know what will.

Rule #2 - Scoochie:  When you say “excuse me” during the holidays, you need to mean it.  Shouting it in a screeching voice as though you’ve been

waiting for several days and are starting to mold, is a threat not a courtesy.  In all likelihood the individual you are assaulting is already aware of your presence and the presence of the other 362 men and women behind you, all vying for the same cut throat Commando kill game little Sammy Lou Who can’t do without while celebrating his saviors birth.

Rule #3 - Christmas Tree:  Never use the term “Holiday Tree”.  It’s asinine

and it pisses Santa off.  “Holiday Tree” is a term created because someone decided we were offending people of other faiths with our large green trees.  I assure you they do not care. Most people of Jewish faith have money and an education.  My wonderful neighbors of 15 years, Maury and Isabelle Cohen, have never expressed an interested in paying $150.00 every year for a sticky tree to sit in the middle of their living room.  Nor are they captivated by the concept of sitting in the lap of a heavy set guy in a red velvet suit.  Therefore, I feel confident in telling you that a Christmas Tree may keep its name without fears of social outrage.

Rule #4 - One Dollar Cocktails:  Charity should be the backbone of the Christmas season, however some think it’s a great time to take a stand against the one dollar cocktails.  Don’t be the person who refuses to give the homeless guy a dollar because you are afraid he will spend it on liquor.  After all it did take 2 cashiers at McDougal’s Warehouse Liquors to load those crates of holiday wine into the back of your SUV.  Remember this man sleeps in a giant box he dragged out from behind Walmart.  He uses the river as a toilet and then is forced to bathe in the same water.  I’m no soothsayer but Id be willing to bet that this man’s health will not be compromised by any cocktail your one dollar might get him.

Rule #5 - Hands On Parenting:  When you are running around the mall this year with children in tow and you decide, “I just can’t deal with these kids anymore”, do it anyway.  If you have to yell “calm down” more than 48 times then you are doing it wrong. Stop doing it wrong. Stop yelling.  Just bend down to ear level with your child and quietly explain, “You’re adopted and I don’t like you anymore.” None of us who are incidentally in the same building with you should be subjected to the screaming.  As my mother use to tell us, “If you yell, you had better be bleeding.”  It’s simple, yet effective.  
Lets review:

- Don’t try to buy off your loved ones.  Use an old movie with a misguided notion that all rich people are mean to get the fiscal results you want. This cuts your bills in half.

- Don’t push other members of your fellow man.  Remember almost half of us are heavily armed and have Daddy issues.

- The third item we discussed was that there is no such thing as a holiday tree.  This was the brainchild of a group of liberals who were concerned about how different religions perceived the Christian’s use of foliage.

- Next we were all going to stop judging the homeless and start funding them with enough dollars to knock back a couple on Jesus birthday.

Finally, lets all be hands-on parents this year.  After all, when it comes to small children anyone can buy a leash, but not everyone knows how to tie it to the front porch.

WORST PUNISHMENT FOR LANCE ARMSTRONG

Seven Reasons Oprah Should Interview Me

 1.  Given the same moral guidelines as Lance Armstrong I too could have won the Tour de France 7 times and happily given an interview down the street from my 8000 square foot mansion admitting to this wrong doing . . . after being painted into a corner of no retreat by 12 witnesses, 38 failed drug tests, and a dozen text messages warning me of drug testers at my remote hotel in Spain.

2.  Secondly, but by no means less important than an international fraud, I can sob uncontrollably upon demand.  I am in my second year of menopause, therefore with little effort I can cry like a cat caught in the clothes dryer one minute and jump on the couch like a meth addicted hillbilly the next.  I guarantee a mesmerized audience and can be paid off with a bag of Snickers bars.

3.  I plan on running for President of the United States because God told me too.  I am not a soccer Mom or the winner of a beauty contest.  I am however, often the subject of small town gossip which on the surface may appear boring but throw in a few words like “witch” or “snake handling” and you got yourself a crowd pleaser.

4.  I have a serious drug problem.  There is no way for me to get through the day without a handful of ibuprofen and five Icy Hot patches.  I've been strung out on I-Cool for the past two years and to the shame of friends and family used Preparation H for purposes not outlined on the box.

5.  I am the leader of the vigil anti group SST.  This grassroots society is dedicated to the elimination of idiotic words and phrases being used in the media, hence the name Stop Saying That.  Lines such as, “Let me be clear,” are symbolically burned at each meeting.   We as human beings with real ears expect people to be clear without stating it.  If they cannot be clear then it would be best to say nothing at all.  Our mantra and core belief is, “People do kill people, but they can do it faster with a gun.”

6.  There is clear evidence after 5 weeks of calculations that the amount of fat I have lost over the past twenty years well exceeds the holding limit of a red wagon.  After weighing all lifestyle factors including twenty Thanksgivings, 352 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 58 jars of Hellman’s, 36 cases of Slim Fast, power walking that covered six of the seven states seen from Lookout Mountain, a bucket of laxatives, and more than 852 reruns of the Gilmore Girls watched from the sweaty seat of a Schwinn 240 Recumbent Exercise Bike, I have lost enough fat to fill a 1975 Volkswagen Bus/Vanagon Transporter.  Anything less than a standing ovation is unacceptable.

7.  According to medical experts at the Elm Hill Pike Walk-In Clinic, I have the first diagnosed case of Facedephobia, the fear of Facebook.  I have written a book about horrific incidents that occurred less than 12 hours after becoming a member of Facebook.  Good people I once thought of as family began posting unflattering pictures of me.  Emails instructing me to, “comment; see comment, follow comment  . . . look who else commented,” plagued my every move.  Nagging reminders of people’s birthdays and anniversaries began to funnel in.   Businesses refused me discounts unless I liked them on Facebook.  Soon the panic attacks started as phone calls filtered in several times a day with friends wanting to know why I had not FaceBooked them.   My book, “How Facebook Tried to Eat Me” is a wonderful edition to Oprah’s Book Club and a perfect opportunity to offer free Prozac prescriptions to audience members.   

Why Mice Fail

Patrick's Soul Burger

If you live in my house then you’re a note writer.  My son Patrick wrote a note last night, tragically placing it on a lone cheeseburger in the refrigerator.  It read: “PATRICK’S Soul Burger!  DO NOT EAT!”  This burger did not belong to Patrick.   It belonged to me and thus required the swift action of note retaliation.

My Dearest Patrick,

I cannot allow you to protect or covet what is not yours.  It is a thorny path which has destroyed many an individual, business and nation.  It is greedy, self-serving and profits nothing but the yearnings of a 15 year old boys stomach.

This is not a condemnation of your character, for many a great man has attempted to consume burgers which they neither cooked nor earned.  Napoleon Bonaparte was one of these great men as I am certain you will soon learn in your studies.

 Napoleon coveted one burger after another until he found himself facing down the Prussians with a burger in each hand.  He was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo.  Waterloo is the Russian word for “All Beef Patties”.  He soon found himself imprisoned and exiled to the island of St. Helena off the west coast of Africa, where no cattle or the consumption of were allowed.

Patrick, I do not wish such a fate for you.  Therefore, I will remove this deceptive note and devour this burger with full hope that my actions will influence you to become a more self-reliant and successful person.

Please do not attempt such an undertaking in the future.  I am older, hungrier and I will thump your misguided little butt into next week if you touch my double cheeseburger again.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. – I believe the word you were looking for was “sole”, meaning single or alone.  That’s something to think about.  

Social Security Canceled

Dear Grandma,

The United States Government regrets to inform you that your Social Security is canceled.  In short, the money you gave us for your retirement has been spent.  We understand this will be of considerable discomfort to you.  It is an unfair set of circumstance.  However, it is like you have always said, “Life isn’t fair.”  We are bound by duty on this day to let you know how right you were.

It is not without serious consideration that we take this action.  Due to a breach in economic security we are forced to discontinue the entitlements of all citizens over the age of 55 who have blindly placed their futures in the hands of an over- burdened, underfunded, bureaucracy. The following is a sample list of expenses which have forced the United States Government to withdraw your Social Security:

* 90 Million Dollars for Pakistani Mango Farming:  Through this program the U. S. Agency of International Development has been able to insure hiring and sales among Pakistani businesses.  As you are aware mangos are loaded with potassium and therefore beneficial in maintaining the health and wellbeing of international terrorists living in Pakistan until the U. S. Government is able to kill them more dramatically.

* 600 Million Dollars Paid in Retirement and Disability Benefits to Federal Employees Who Have Died:  We accept total responsibility for this error.  However, the amount continues to grow as the number of dead people filing for benefits increase each year for no apparent reason.  Not to worry though.  Brain activity will be a requirement for any future fulfillment of benefits.

* 20 Million Dollars Issued For Pakistani Sesame Street: The Rafi Peer Theatre Workshop, a Pakistani arts organization, was awarded $20 million for the production of a Pakistani Sesame Street Series.  The cast of puppets will be made up of new characters such as Baaji, a spirited young lad who chooses not to shoot at Americans.  He will be seen in a tea cart instead of a rusted out Honda Civic loaded down with twenty pounds of TNT.  This program will insure the safety of our men in uniform.

We do provide a complete list of expenses on our website U-MoneyGone.gov.  Again, we apologize for any inconvenience and hope you will continue to pay your taxes as required by law.  Thank you for participating in a social program brought to you by The United States of America.

   

   

Verizon Needs An Enema

Four weeks have passed and no rebate from Verizon has arrived. Their sense of humor is that of a Vladimir Putin when being questioned by a human rights organization.  They are cold, superior, self governing, and still billing the people for something they never received.  Possibly another nudge from this consumer will push my fifty dollars into that stubborn envelope.
  
On my last post I imparted to the most brilliant readers of the twenty-first century, that Verizon could not accept a photo copy of my phone's proof of purchase along with receipts from both the Verizon Store Manager and myself, but rather needed the box.  I would like to suggest that if the box holds such importance that possibly they could have kept it in the first place.  However, Verizon like so many other major companies, assumes that customers will continue to buy the old adage, "The business of rebates is too complicated for a customer to understand."  Wrong, wrong and wrong.  It is a "recession wrong" that's been bedazzled by nasty banks and a crooked government.
  
After sending in the box top over a month ago and appealing to my readers, here I sit, no rebate, no apology.  I am so apology-less I've got gangrene on my understanding ear.  I am so rebate-less I have carpal tunnel in my eyelids from checking the mailbox 2783 times. Then it came to me.  I realized that Verizon did not need a box top confirming that I did indeed possess the phone they have been charging me for, for over two months.  No, the proof of purchase was not the problem at all. The mighty Verizon Corporation has been eating pricey meat and cheese for ten years and are long overdue for a customer driven enema. 


My angry letter to Verizon several weeks ago, did not inspire even a glance at the lav-oratory. The billboards I shelled out thousands of dollars for in Nashville, publicly condemning Verizon for frolicking in the fires of Hell with the Whore of Babylon, did not budge them from their bottom heavy seats.  I spent $327.00 and four days passing out bumper stickers that read, "My Family Went to Verizon & All I Got Was This %#&*# Bill!"  They did not wiggle even one obstructed pie hole.

This tells me that someone is in dire need of a H2O hosing from down under.  Someone needs a service driven apparatus shoved so far up their clogged rebate department that the relief will be felt 17,000 feet above sea level on the peaks of La Rinconada.  The liberation of the $50 dollar rebates will leave men and women weeping at the sight of their Verizon phone bill, if they're not already.


Please, Verizon victims of the world, join me in my appeal for a Verizon enema.  Go to http://www.verizonwireless.com/b2c/contact/index.jsp 
or write: 


Verizon Wireless
Customer Service Department
Post Office Box 105378Atlanta, GA 30348  


Tell them to give Jules her $50 rebate or bend over.  Thank you to all my readers for your patience, loyalty, and talent for taking nothing seriously.   (By the way, I'm sitting in a StarBucks right now in a wealthy part of Nashville next to two women discussing the Swan Ball.  I really think I should get their opinion on this.  Oh, and word to the wise; never google images of "enema" in a public place.)

Dear Verizon

Dear Verizon,

Your practices are despicable, but here is the second proof of purchase seal you inquired about after 21 days.  The copy of the proof of purchase, along with the receipt, paperwork, and online submission by the sales rep. must have confused you.  Aren’t you the lucky company getting to keep my fifty dollars and the fifty dollars of thousands of other customers for another three weeks?   I can only pray that you use the money wisely for that time period as it will one day cost you your very soul, God willing.

If this letter is too small to read, or results in confusion that will cause another month of delays, please feel free to visit my blog at BitofJules.blogspot.com.  Here I will be posting an obnoxiously large copy of this transgression for the entire world to see and comment on.   Hopefully they will be as resentful as I am that we as a people are continually being nickeled and dimed by large companies who have the conscience of a crack dealer marketing under-aged prostitutes on the side. 

I hope this note was helpful.

Yours Truly,

Cheesed off Mom


P.S. ~ I am certain I just cost myself the $50.00, but it was worth every penny.

Funny Bloopers From TV's "Dallas"

Dallas was one of the best television series of all time!  People loved it.  "Who Shot JR," was the mantra of the country.  Friday nights were set aside for the Ewings.  Lucky for us the actors who made up the show also has a great sense of humor.  It made these outtakes a show in their own right.  Enjoy!     

Great Quotes For a Good Day

Inspiring words are the best breakfast. These are a good dose of truth and hope which have grown great people all over the world.  Oh, except for the last quote which is just funny as hell. 

"What The Caterpillar Calls The End of the World, The Master Calls A Butterfly."

~Richard Bach

“Most great people have attained their greatest success just one step beyond their greatest failure.”

~Napoleon Hill

"Any Fool Can Criticize, Condemn and Complain--and Most Do." 
~ Dale Carnegie

"Life's Battles Don't Always Go To The Stronger or Faster Man, But Sooner or Later The Man Who Wins Is The Man Who Think's He Can!"

~ While many men have take credit for these words it is actually from a poem entitled "If You Think You Are Beaten" written by Walter D. Wintle.  I know this poem by heart.

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."   ~ Abraham Lincoln

"When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness." 
~Dale Carnegie

"Luck has a peculiar habit of favoring those who don't depend on it."  ~ Swedish Proverb

 "You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."

~Winston Churchill 

“The only real failure in life is the failure to try."     ~ Sven Goran Eriksson

My daughters favorite & I had to agree:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

Facebook & The Chocolate Cat

7.5 million Kid’s under the age of 13 are lying to get on Facebook?  This is quite the revelation.  Pre-teens are lying?  That is unthinkable.  How is the media able to uncover these amazing facts?  Most of us as parents are still trying to figure out how the failed math test found its way into the trash.  This kind of detective work is mind boggling.   I can’t wait for the media to discover a Microsoft program that actually works for more than a year.

Honestly, these parents don’t know that their kids are on Facebook?  When did the integrity of the pre-teen adolescent exceed the need for parental guidance?  When my son was 12 he covered the cat in chocolate syrup and swore he didn’t do it.  I would love to believe that.  However, after our dog licked the cat like a giant Dilly Bar, leaving my husband and me to pay $200.00 dollars in veterinarian and carpet cleaning bills, I became financially skeptical.   At some point, between 10 and 12 years old, both of our adolescents ran up a thousand dollars in texting charges after swearing they have only texted occasionally.  We have survived BB gun incidents, small fires, spaghetti fights, flooding issues, computer hacking, and a bad circus trick that rendered a large piece of furniture useless.  Why would we “assume” our children to be unaffected by the largest social phenomena to hit America since lava lamps and mood rings?

  

 This past week a 12 year old in Washington State was charged with first-degree computer trespassing after she stole another girl’s password for Facebook and posted sexual content that went viral.  The 12 year old who committed this heinous act is now on probation, and the little girl who was victimized will suffer the ramifications of this incident for the rest of her life.   The question that is being posed by the media is, “How can Facebook get away with allowing kids under 13 to become members?”  A better question might be, “Where are the parents?”  This question is becoming harder to answer.  We have chocolate cats running all over the streets of America and no one knows where the parents have gone.

Here’s an answer:  $$$$$$.  When your child throws rocks at a car: $$$$$$! When your child assaults another child, $$$$$$!  If you didn’t know your child was illegally on Facebook, $$$$$$!  If you are unaware that your child is cyber stalking another child, $$$$$$! If you are too busy to put safeguards on your computer, $$$$$$! Money can be heard by any parent in any walk of life.

When the courts put a 12 year old on probation nothing happens.  When parents start getting charged large sums of money for allowing their child unsupervised access to the world, then real change can begin.  Facebook will on long be a fabulous babysitter for parents.  It will become a financial liability.  Parental locks will begin to appear on children’s computers.  Access to many internet companies will be denied because the mischievous neonate’s computer won’t allow it. There will be whining, complaining, tears and begging, but there won’t be Facebook, MySpace, or court ordered restitution.

It is not Facebook’s responsibility to watch our kids.  If it was I would have clicked on better results a long time ago.  Responsibility for any part of a child’s life begins and ends with the parent.  That is the reality of God and nature.  So suck it up and clean up the cat, for there are no shortcuts to raising good people. 

Uncle Clyde Defends His Beer

My Uncle Clyde is a great guy who taught me to play poker and cut the heads off fish.  We only saw him a few times a year during fishing season and Thanksgiving, but he left an indelible impression upon me.  I saw this video today and remembered him fondly. This is for you big guy.

Coupon Policy Protest Called Off!

All women in Spring Hill need to stand down!  I repeat--stand down!  Publix Grocery Store is still taking coupons.  We were badly misinformed.  All protests are cancelled!  Please inform Bobby-Joe immediately.  We will need to remove all livestock from the parking lot by 10:00am or be fined for trespassing.   All tractors, hay bailers, oxen and harrows need to be returned to the fields as the drive-thru at The Biscuit Barn is being blocked. 

The change in coupon policy at our local Publix is simply a response to Rita-May’s Extreme Couponing Club.  Publix is unable to keep mustard, relish, and chutney properly stocked.  While I find this encouraging news given the over-indulgence of Hellmann’s Mayo by some of the local members, it has resulted in a nationwide condiment shortage.   It’s one thing to stock up for a Deli Style Christmas Basket, but quite another to allow it to become an obsession.  One is a lovely thought; the other is a medical condition.

Publix allows double couponing as a courtesy to its customers, not as a way of paying for Bubba’s tuition at trade school.  That means you, Jolene Brussels.  Selling Fudge Striped cookies out of your van in the church parking lot is a bad example to your children and an unwise business decision given the atmosphere of low carb dieting.  It’s also a personal embarrassment to me as I was the individual to organize the Publix Protest/Parade in the first place.  The balloons cannot be used until St. Patrick’s Day and the Corn Holing contest is out of pocket money. 

I am not passing judgment on those who need to save a little cash.  My coupon box is bigger than my hope chest.  I’m the first person through the door on penny item day and the last person to leave when the pork product sample table is set up on Wednesdays.  However, with any free courtesies or kind deeds there are abuses.   Ladies we left “abuse” several weeks ago.  We have fallen into an unsettling position of grocery carnage.  We need to rethink using four coupons on one item then demanding change for it.  If we continue on this treacherous path, then the good people of French’s Mustard will surely go belly up.  It’s time to be better neighbors to our local grocery stores.

Now, who was in charge of the glitter bombing?

How To Clean A Public Fountain

How many of you can drink from a public fountain if you don't know who's been in front of you? 

Mad Marriage Fix

 Nothing made me laugh yesterday.  Nothing provoked my sense of indecent cynicism.  Then it happened!  This trite, push button ad on the sidebar of a news page:  “7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.”  It was a gift from God which required my immediate attention.  No human can fix a marriage with a 7 point presentation.  Professing to repair a complex relationship with a phone call is worse than my offering services in grammatical correctness.  Something had to be done.

Mort Fertel is no amazing psychiatrist, if he’s a doctor at all, but I am impressed with his marketing skills.  I played his video which used the name Julie P. as the woman playing the recovering victim.  That is of course my name.  Then he listed 19 thoughts a spouse might entertain.  It was disgraceful.  Here’s a few of them:

• "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you." An analysis and a solution.

• How to change your marriage even when your spouse doesn't want to.

• How to get your spouse to change.

• How to forgive and be forgiven.

• How do you know when to quit?

In other words you just found out your spouse had an affair and you’re desperately searching the internet for help.  How low can a person sink?  He is taking advantage of the most emotional time in people’s lives, so that he can drive a Porsche. 
  

“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”   Wake up, Mort! The average family in my neighborhood has a $300,000 mortgage, two children, a cell phone for each child, a commute of 30 minutes into town each day, skyrocketing gas costs, and I’m not even going to talk about the cable bill.  Who has time to sit down and find out if their spouse is actually feeling the love they should be feeling?  I have (including this new blog) 14 hours of work to do in a 12 hour day.  When I’m through with my chores at 10:00 o’clock at night I don’t want to find out that my husband has been sitting in his office mulling over the intensity of our relationship.  I want to see a five star budget plan for the next two years.   If he shows me a ten point increase on our credit score, I’ll show him a night that would cost most men no less than $5000 and a free meal in New York City.  

This “Marriage Fitness” program is nonsense for most people.  The marriages Mort is talking about are the ones where terrible offenses are committed.  Basically he’s talking about adultery.  Let me paint the picture for you.  You are sad, depressed, vulnerable, and you have their Visa in your hand.  Coincidentally, Mort is standing by to take your call.  Do you make that last ditch effort to save your marriage, or buy yourself a new bedroom set and a case of scotch?

You know the answer.  The answer is different for everyone.  But if your marriage can be saved, then you just know it.  If your spouse cheated on you, then make a decision based on your circumstances.  Did he or she have a fling at work, or a line of credit with Heidi Fleiss?  You understand the difference.  If it’s a fling, then you must stay married and torture them for the remainder of their life.  If it’s a line of credit that’s costing hundreds of dollars and drug therapy for an STD, then you will need 4 links of 12 feet of rope and a baseball bat.   The talking part is over.  Seriously though, whatever your case turns out to be please buy the bedroom set and scotch, but don’t give it to Mort. 

Yours Truly,

Dr. Jules 

Disclaimer:  Jules is not an actual doctor, but a world authority on the psychology of cock-n-bull stories, and has an international reputation for unprovoked attacks. 

  

Crazy News

Woman Stalks Baseball Coach

A woman in New York was arrested yesterday for stalking her son’s ex-baseball coach.  Her son did not make the team so she began harassing the coach.  She sent letters to the entire family threatening the lives of the coach’s son, daughter and wife.  What’s the matter, didn’t they have a dog?   

This behavior is shameful.  I can understand being angry if you couldn’t get a decent cup of coffee at the concession stand, or the Parent Youth League Committee turned you down for a 23rd time when you presented your designs  for a freestanding Starbucks instead of a batting cage.  But to stalk and threaten the family of a baseball coach, when football and hockey season is right around the corner is insane.   You’ve got to know when to pick your battles.  If you think the ineptitude of your son (Nancy) is bad because he couldn’t even cut it in little league baseball, try finding a hockey ref that knows the game of hockey in the state of Tennessee.  Every time a hockey player, or innocent bystander who got too close to the glass, is carried out on a stretcher, they blame your son.  Every time a fight breaks out at the coke stand because once again someone didn’t carry the Fat Free coffee creamer, they’ll blame you.  Not everyone wants a butt like an engine block!  Am I right lady with the boy named Nancy?  Now that’s injustice. 

 

Dennis the Menace Arrested

One piece of news today, which is confusing, is the arrest of a 19 year old “man” in the UK who hacked into international businesses and intelligence agency computers.  Apparently he was able to outwit the security systems on the CIA Web page, a U. S. Senators government computer, and the Sony PlayStation Network.  Why arrest the kid?  Why not hire him?  The “Powers That Be” got caught with their pants down and now they want their pound of flesh.  The kid even hacked into Britain's census data, obtaining the records of every man, woman, and child in the country.  Face it guys, the boy’s got talent.  If you had a brain in your heads, that boy would be sipping a glass of Hidalgo in his plush new office at the West End of London.   Instead of seeing this glass as half full of liquid gold, officials are going to piss and moan until the almighty dollar shows up.  Yes, Bill Gates will end up spending a few bucks on that rug-rat’s defense team.  Then he will bring him back to America and give him the treatment that all hooligans get in this country, a big salary, 401k, and a Senate seat in ten years.   Wise up and sign him to a contract, or we will.

Whining is Annoying

The best news flash today was a major eye-roll for parents throughout the world.  A major psychological study done at  SUNY New Paltz  has uncovered a number of clues leading them to believe that “Whining is the worst sound in the world.”  The researchers have even written a book on the subject.  They found that whining interferes with one’s ability to calculate math problems.   Wow, this is an epiphany.  Most parents thought that whining only interfered with your ability to talk on the phone, finish a meal, or urinate in privacy!  We had no idea it could hamper our abilities to understand how fast Train A was going if it left the station at the same time Train B left and arrived two minutes later.  Thank you, almighty research gods!

The study goes on to say that some parents reveal whining as the most stressful part of the day.  They are confused as to what action to take to stop it.  Let me jump in here.  Whining is stressful because the child needs to shut up, or they’ll be doing TIMEOUT until they get hungry or grow facial hair.  If you are “confused” or uncomfortable with this concept then possibly you could avoid churches, restaurants, grocery stores, malls, or any other public place other parents who have learned to discipline their own children might go.  Is whining the worst sound in the world?  You bet it is.  Where are my book royalties?

  

Salmonella, My Favorite Food

Government recalled food is the best man-made creation since the Nutty Buddy.   It’s the FDA that saves me thousands of dollars on my grocery bill each year.  There are really no downsides to this method of shopping, at least not the ones people think exist.  The salmonella, for example which seems to plague peanut butter, ground beef, lettuce, and Uncle Buck’s Country Stew has no ill-effect on anyone who grew up in a two income household.  I personally cannot remember a time when the chicken was cooked all the way through.  Nor can I summon up any occasion when my father cleaned the grill instead of scraping it until the older, big pieces fell through the grate.  Therefore I believe an entire generation of children in America has developed immunity to salmonella, E. Coli, and filth in general.  This explains why the 250 foodborne pathogens that can kill the rest of the world seem to have no effect on us.

On Monday mornings I typically scan a list of government food warnings for items that are to be cleared from the shelves and returned to the manufacturer.  Fortunately, I live in the state of Tennessee where most citizens believe that Federal laws and common sense do not apply to them.  So if you can beat your neighbors down to the Piggly Wiggly first thing in the morning then you have freezer food for a month.  I once bought 6lbs of sausage for 89 cents!   And if you get just the right amount of bacterially infested food, you’ll be twenty pounds slimmer for the beach.  That’s a deal in anybody’s book. 

Today I found some interesting products which are not your typical recall items.  Kashi is recalling pizza that has fragments of plastic in it.  Kashi is a great brand with lots of fiber and whole grain per serving, so it’s possible to push just about anything through your body with that, but plastic gives me pause.  On the other hand, I do remember picking Lego pieces out of my son’s diaper when he was a baby, so apparently it is doable.  I’ll put it on the list, but with a question mark in the margin.

The next item is something called Nielsen-Massey Madagascar Bourbon Pure Vanilla Bean Paste.  Now, there won’t be a mad dash for that product.  Sounds like silk dresses and a gin glass to me.  It’s definitely a product for the Martha Stewart crowd.  Unless you can put it on ice-cream, we have no use for it.  It’s a good thing really.  Now all of the private hospital rooms at Vanderbilt will have some occupants, versus the “standing room only crowd” in the emergency room at Baptist Hospital.  How strange that the wealthiest of the city could not be touched by government taxes during a recession, but will ultimately be taken down by the Bourbon Vanilla Bean Paste used in their Crème Brulee.   That makes me so happy I think I can digest the plastic pieces now.

Luck be a fat lady tonight.  I see we’ve hit the jackpot this week.   Bimbo Bakeries is recalling all of their Entenmann’s Bagged Pop’ems and Bimbo 8 Pack Donuts.  According to the company there is an “off-smell” to the breakfast item, which means possible mold growth.  That’s no more than fifty cents a bag!  I can think of four markets off the top of my head that will stick them in a cart at the front of the store and slap a Manager’s Special sign on them.  Wow!  Life doesn’t get any better than this; at least not this year.  I can remember eating Christmas cake close to Valentines when I was a kid.  I’ll have no problem scarfing down a few scented donuts.

I could go on all morning as there are smoked salmon, English muffins, chocolate cake mix, and Mardi Gras Shrimp Dip all on the list.  Except for a couple of bakery goods with shards of metal, I’m going to drag home the best deals of the year.  If I stand any chance in hell of filling my trunk with donuts and Kashi pizza though, I’d better grab my purse and go.  

O'Canada Sung Backwards

This is a tribute to my wonderful friends in Canada who are a rock of support.  This is my husband who some of you know through the NHL.  Hockey is his first love which I've accepted.
He has heard O'Canada played many times at the games and as the grandson of a Canadian.  Here is an odd gift he has of speaking backwards, and is often asked to talk or sing in reverse as parties.  His sister-n-law took this video at a family gathering.