Wednesday, October 3, 2018

WTF Are You Wearing?


 Listen up people!   No one can see you jogging if you're wearing dark clothes!  No one! Look at yourselves.  You're wearing black while running on a black surface, in the dark. I saw one man running in full camouflage.  I do not believe I will ever see him again.  Is it the orange reflectors?  Is that what you think is going to save your ass?

It's a fact that 90% of people who enjoy an early morning run spend $23.00 on average for reflectors.  These reflectors are then stuck, wrapped, or fastened onto clothes usually reserved for funerals.  Reflectors are just that, they reflect light.  They do not possess superpowers.  You need to mix up those deathwish outfits with some white t-shirts, because frankly I'm tired of pulling reflector strips off the bumper of my car.

Here's the problem.  Doing the right thing for your health does not correct my night blindness.  I can't see no matter what kind of shape you're in.  Honestly, I support your desires to improve your bodies because I have to stand behind them at Starbucks. Yet, when I'm driving the winding roads of a dusky neighborhood, despite your valiant efforts, my vision is still vexed with halos & blurred figures. What appears to you to be three people jogging together, looks like an inflatable yard decoration escaping its moorings to me.  Thusly, it is within the realm of possibility that I kindly give it a bump back into the direction of it's home with my Chrysler 300 Heritage edition chrome radiator grille.

Now don't send emails asking me not to drive in the dark anymore.  It's not going to happen.  I've been planning this moment since I was 12.  My Uncle Doug made me realize a long time ago, I needed to save my dollars if I wanted to be able to drive past the age of 45. 

We were on the backroads of Tennessee headed for a floating trip on the Harpeth River when I noticed a double yellow line meant nothing to this man.  He hit a lot more animals than he missed. I believe he reduced the skunk population that day by half and I know he dragged a heavy object for more than 16 miles.  The moment I returned home I went to my sock drawer, grabbed all of my babysitting money, and headed for the Old Hickory Credit Union. 

After saving my money & investing in those personal computer companies in the late 80's I have ample financial protection.  I plan on driving until I can be cryogenically preserved.  There is enough money in my account to afford a town car the size of a Krispy Kreme, an adult booster seat that doubles as a private bar, $37,000 in car insurance, and enough hush money to survive eleven Russia investigations. I have planned this down to the last detail.

Trust me when I say I'm on your side.  I want you to be safe.  So when you wake up and start pulling running clothes out of your hamper think to yourself, "If it's White & Light I'll be Alright".  White t-shirts are the cheapest shirts you can buy.  Grab a handful of reflectors.  Slap them on that white t-shirt, accented by a white pair of shorts and you have an outfit that can be spotted from space.  No one can accidentally hit you.  If someone still crushes you with a Buick, you win anyway.  You might be dead, but your all white outfit makes for an indisputable crime scene.  Your loved ones will collect on a lawsuit big enough to shame any Kardashian.  So before you head out that door this morning ask yourself the safe question, "What the fuck am I wearing?"   

Thursday, February 2, 2017


The media’s sensitivities are affected this morning because there was a bonfire and breaking of glass at the University of California, Berkeley. Milo Yiannopoulos was at the school to give yet another speech on white supremacy and many students took exception to it. The media is calling this an act of violence.  I call it a revolution.  

This is a group of intelligent, well-educated college students who not only saw their vote thrown in the toilet by an outdated concept created by slave owners, but also watched a foreign government decide their fate.  They are being told that nuclear weapons and the use thereof will be “Big League” escalated in the next 4 years.  They are being told that their non-violent marches are ridiculous and must stop.  They are being heckled and spoken to in a condescending, vicious manner and all the while asked to be good little Americans and keep their mouths shut about their country.  They are told to go about their business as their future and their children’s futures are tied down to the tracks to wait on the fascist train.
America began with violence.  There were many peaceful demonstrations, but in the end the only choice was revolution.  When a sound mind is approached with an idea of the unthinkable, it has no choice but to react.  We were invaded or to quote Keith Olbermann,  “We were invaded, just because there wasn’t blood on the streets…if the Russians had come in wearing cassocks and put him in, I think we would have had a different reaction to it.”
This is the Resistance.  These Americans have the right to fight for their country.  This is not the wars our forefathers fought and not one they could even imagine.  But in the end I believe they would prefer a few chairs thrown through a window to a Nuclear Winter that will destroy the world.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Follow the Money: How Bernie Sanders' Campaign is One Giant Con on the American People

Follow the Money: How Bernie Sanders' Campaign is One Giant Con on the American People: Bernie Sanders has pulled off what may be one of the greatest con jobs on
millions of Americans without having to have his past exposed or examined.
Let's pull back that veil.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Porch Pirates?

The media has seriously botched the naming of a new type of thief calling them Porch Pirates.  America's ears are burning at the sound.  Good, hard working people across this country are having their holidays swiped off their porches by a lazy bunch of leaches who lay in wait for UPS to leave expensive gifts on the porch.  This is hideous enough, but to refer to them as pirates is a slap in the face and a cuff upside the head.  
First of all pirates knew how to navigate a ship, use a sword, fire a pistol, board a burning vessel, and save the bounty they so carefully stole from others.  Pirates had skills!  Blackbeard alone had a portfolio worth an estimated 12.5 million dollars.  These so called "Porch Pirates" have not earned the honor of being called a Pirate.
I-Team News 4 released a video this morning of some looser grabbing a brown box off someone's porch and running off with it.  That in no way constitutes a powerful, mystic character like Black Bart.  That was a meth addict named Duane jumping out of a two-toned Honda and snatching Grandma's Kitty Cow footie pajama's she was giving to her angel baby for Christmas.  His portfolio consists of three teeth and a half drunken bottle of  Mountain Dew.
If the media wants to do America a favor then come up with a name much less romantic like "Porch Pedophiles".  The name needs to be one which properly describes the kind of parasite that steals the joy from Maw-Maw's face at Christmas.  It needs to be one that strips these pathetic creatures of any trace of dignity and "Porch Pedophiles" is just the name to do it.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

How To Guide For Christmas

5 Rules To A Wonderful Christmas
Rule #1 Save a Buck:  Hold off on that IPhone 5.  It will break you financially in 2 years with it’s “Unlimited Media Package”.  Instead of an extravagant gift for your child consider a more traditional idea.  Have little Ralphie watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” no less than 3 times.  Reality checks are the perfect gift for a ten year old.  He needs to know that no matter how bright and promising his future appears, he could easily find himself hugging a frozen rail in the middle of a bridge on the outskirts of town.  His one hope would come from a defective angel who’s only claim to fame is that the good Lord himself is one day away from kicking out of heaven.  And even with the best turn of events he will end up depending on the charity of others to survive.  If that doesn’t make him appreciate the roof over his head and the automatic stapler under the tree, I don’t know what will.

Rule #2 - Scoochie:  When you say “excuse me” during the holidays, you need to mean it.  Shouting it in a screeching voice as though you’ve been
waiting for several days and are starting to mold, is a threat not a courtesy.  In all likelihood the individual you are assaulting is already aware of your presence and the presence of the other 362 men and women behind you, all vying for the same cut throat Commando kill game little Sammy Lou Who can’t do without while celebrating his saviors birth.

Rule #3 - Christmas Tree:  Never use the term “Holiday Tree”.  It’s asinine
and it pisses Santa off.  “Holiday Tree” is a term created because someone decided we were offending people of other faiths with our large green trees.  I assure you they do not care. Most people of Jewish faith have money and an education.  My wonderful neighbors of 15 years, Maury and Isabelle Cohen, have never expressed an interested in paying $150.00 every year for a sticky tree to sit in the middle of their living room.  Nor are they captivated by the concept of sitting in the lap of a heavy set guy in a red velvet suit.  Therefore, I feel confident in telling you that a Christmas Tree may keep its name without fears of social outrage.

Rule #4 - One Dollar Cocktails:  Charity should be the backbone of the Christmas season, however some think it’s a great time to take a stand against the one dollar cocktails.  Don’t be the person who refuses to give the homeless guy a dollar because you are afraid he will spend it on liquor.  After all it did take 2 cashiers at McDougal’s Warehouse Liquors to load those crates of holiday wine into the back of your SUV.  Remember this man sleeps in a giant box he dragged out from behind Walmart.  He uses the river as a toilet and then is forced to bathe in the same water.  I’m no soothsayer but Id be willing to bet that this man’s health will not be compromised by any cocktail your one dollar might get him.

Rule #5 - Hands On Parenting:  When you are running around the mall this year with children in tow and you decide, “I just can’t deal with these kids anymore”, do it anyway.  If you have to yell “calm down” more than 48 times then you are doing it wrong. Stop doing it wrong. Stop yelling.  Just bend down to ear level with your child and quietly explain, “You’re adopted and I don’t like you anymore.” None of us who are incidentally in the same building with you should be subjected to the screaming.  As my mother use to tell us, “If you yell, you had better be bleeding.”  It’s simple, yet effective.  
Lets review:
- Don’t try to buy off your loved ones.  Use an old movie with a misguided notion that all rich people are mean to get the fiscal results you want. This cuts your bills in half.
- Don’t push other members of your fellow man.  Remember almost half of us are heavily armed and have Daddy issues.
- The third item we discussed was that there is no such thing as a holiday tree.  This was the brainchild of a group of liberals who were concerned about how different religions perceived the Christian’s use of foliage.
- Next we were all going to stop judging the homeless and start funding them with enough dollars to knock back a couple on Jesus birthday.
Finally, lets all be hands-on parents this year.  After all, when it comes to small children anyone can buy a leash, but not everyone knows how to tie it to the front porch.