1. Given the same moral
guidelines as Lance Armstrong I too could have won the Tour de France 7 times
and happily given an interview down the street from my 8000 square foot mansion
admitting to this wrong doing . . . after being painted into a corner of no
retreat by 12 witnesses, 38 failed drug tests, and a dozen text messages
warning me of drug testers at my remote hotel in Spain.
2. Secondly, but by no means less important than an
international fraud, I can sob uncontrollably upon demand. I am in
my second year of menopause, therefore with little effort I can cry like a cat
caught in the clothes dryer one minute and jump on the couch like a meth
addicted hillbilly the next. I guarantee a mesmerized audience and
can be paid off with a bag of Snickers bars.
3. I plan on running for President of the United States
because God told me too. I am not a soccer Mom or the winner of a
beauty contest. I am however, often the subject of small town gossip
which on the surface may appear boring but throw in a few words like “witch” or
“snake handling” and you got yourself a crowd pleaser.
4. I have a serious drug problem. There is no way for
me to get through the day without a handful of ibuprofen and five Icy Hot
patches. I've been strung out on I-Cool for the past two years
and to the shame of friends and family used Preparation H for purposes not
outlined on the box.
5. I am the leader of the vigil anti group SST. This
grassroots society is dedicated to the elimination of idiotic words and phrases
being used in the media, hence the name Stop Saying That. Lines such
as, “Let me be clear,” are symbolically burned at each meeting. We
as human beings with real ears expect people to be clear without stating
it. If they cannot be clear then it would be best to say nothing at
all. Our mantra and core belief is, “People do kill people, but they
can do it faster with a gun.”
6. There is clear evidence after 5 weeks of calculations that
the amount of fat I have lost over the past twenty years well exceeds the
holding limit of a red wagon. After weighing all lifestyle factors
including twenty Thanksgivings, 352 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 58 jars
of Hellman’s, 36 cases of Slim Fast, power walking that covered six of the
seven states seen from Lookout Mountain, a bucket of laxatives, and more than
852 reruns of the Gilmore Girls watched from the sweaty seat of a Schwinn 240
Recumbent Exercise Bike, I have lost enough fat to fill a 1975 Volkswagen
Bus/Vanagon Transporter. Anything less than a standing ovation is
unacceptable.
7. According to medical experts at the Elm Hill Pike Walk-In
Clinic, I have the first diagnosed case of Facedephobia, the fear of
Facebook. I have written a book about horrific incidents that
occurred less than 12 hours after becoming a member of Facebook. Good
people I once thought of as family began posting unflattering pictures of
me. Emails instructing me to, “comment; see comment, follow comment .
. . look who else commented,” plagued my every move. Nagging
reminders of people’s birthdays and anniversaries began to funnel in. Businesses
refused me discounts unless I liked them on Facebook. Soon the panic
attacks started as phone calls filtered in several times a day with friends
wanting to know why I had not FaceBooked them. My book, “How
Facebook Tried to Eat Me” is a wonderful edition to Oprah’s Book Club and a
perfect opportunity to offer free Prozac prescriptions to audience
members.
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