Weiners Can't Be Choosers

I am truly outraged that Anthony Weiner has forced my hand.  For 3 weeks I have fought the Rip Torn in my soul down to bone and knuckle, not to make any Weiner jokes.  They are the height of obviousness, the sewage of comedy.  Unfortunately “Say Hello to Mr. Happy,” has refused to go quietly, and thus I am wrestled to the baseness of the streets like a common comedic thug. 

It has always been my assertion that any man who spends more than an hour a day at the gym is doing so because he wants to show off his winky.   Now, whether this man has intentions of showing it to his wife, nanny, maid, or the bathroom mirror, the rule remains the same.  When someone develops an aspiration for revealing his family jewels to a wider viewing audience than he needs to, open a gym and avoid public office.  If it’s a lifelong dream to prove that you have a winky that is better than everyone else’s, then the entertainment industry is clearly what is best suited for you. 

It is far from my desire to judge this man.  Nor is it in my understanding of the world to be shocked by his conduct.  I feel more condemnation and moral outraged towards the racist, ant-gay, anti-Semitic, fear mongering, Rush Limbaugh tirades, than I can even begin to muster for some Congressman who thinks he has a pretty package.  But when a political figure with a name like Weiner is plainly exposed for flashing his Hot Diggity Dog all over the social media, and then drags out his denial for 3 weeks of Weinermobile jokes, he has got to expect an old-fashioned verbal lynching.

Jay Leno said it best, “We’re all a bunch of ninth graders.”  That is the reason I smirked when one show filmed Anthony Weiner leaving the dry cleaners in the Wienermobile.  However, when Stephen Colbert said; "Naked, Weiner must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter," suddenly the gloves came off.   I laughed openly when Conan O'Brien said; "51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." And I was not one bit ashamed to recognize the wonderfully thought out tag lines like, The Big Wang Theory, Weiner’s in A Pickle, Congressman Wants a Weiner Probe, The Lesson of Weiner's Schnitzel: Delete, delete, delete, and Battle of The Bulge, Weiner Exposed.  We all had to laugh.  Maybe one day Weiner will . . .    I can’t finish that and mean it.

I am relieved to see that Anthony Weiner has finally resigned.  It has been a difficult journey for us all.  He has come full circle and accepted the inevitable truth that Weiners can’t be choosers.