The media has seriously botched the naming of a new type of thief calling them Porch Pirates. America's ears are burning at the sound. Good, hard working people across this country are having their holidays swiped off their porches by a lazy bunch of leaches who lay in wait for UPS to leave expensive gifts on the porch. This is hideous enough, but to refer to them as pirates is a slap in the face and a cuff upside the head.
First of all pirates knew how to navigate a ship, use a sword, fire a pistol, board a burning vessel, and save the bounty they so carefully stole from others. Pirates had skills! Blackbeard alone had a portfolio worth an estimated 12.5 million dollars. These so called "Porch Pirates" have not earned the honor of being called a Pirate.
I-Team News 4 released a video this morning of some looser grabbing a brown box off someone's porch and running off with it. That in no way constitutes a powerful, mystic character like Black Bart. That was a meth addict named Duane jumping out of a two-toned Honda and snatching Grandma's Kitty Cow footie pajama's she was giving to her angel baby for Christmas. His portfolio consists of three teeth and a half drunken bottle of Mountain Dew.
If the media wants to do America a favor then come up with a name much less romantic like "Porch Pedophiles". The name needs to be one which properly describes the kind of parasite that steals the joy from Maw-Maw's face at Christmas. It needs to be one that strips these pathetic creatures of any trace of dignity and "Porch Pedophiles" is just the name to do it.