Thursday, November 21, 2013

How To Guide For Christmas

5 Rules To A Wonderful Christmas
Rule #1 Save a Buck:  Hold off on that IPhone 5.  It will break you financially in 2 years with it’s “Unlimited Media Package”.  Instead of an extravagant gift for your child consider a more traditional idea.  Have little Ralphie watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” no less than 3 times.  Reality checks are the perfect gift for a ten year old.  He needs to know that no matter how bright and promising his future appears, he could easily find himself hugging a frozen rail in the middle of a bridge on the outskirts of town.  His one hope would come from a defective angel who’s only claim to fame is that the good Lord himself is one day away from kicking out of heaven.  And even with the best turn of events he will end up depending on the charity of others to survive.  If that doesn’t make him appreciate the roof over his head and the automatic stapler under the tree, I don’t know what will.

Rule #2 - Scoochie:  When you say “excuse me” during the holidays, you need to mean it.  Shouting it in a screeching voice as though you’ve been
waiting for several days and are starting to mold, is a threat not a courtesy.  In all likelihood the individual you are assaulting is already aware of your presence and the presence of the other 362 men and women behind you, all vying for the same cut throat Commando kill game little Sammy Lou Who can’t do without while celebrating his saviors birth.

Rule #3 - Christmas Tree:  Never use the term “Holiday Tree”.  It’s asinine
and it pisses Santa off.  “Holiday Tree” is a term created because someone decided we were offending people of other faiths with our large green trees.  I assure you they do not care. Most people of Jewish faith have money and an education.  My wonderful neighbors of 15 years, Maury and Isabelle Cohen, have never expressed an interested in paying $150.00 every year for a sticky tree to sit in the middle of their living room.  Nor are they captivated by the concept of sitting in the lap of a heavy set guy in a red velvet suit.  Therefore, I feel confident in telling you that a Christmas Tree may keep its name without fears of social outrage.

Rule #4 - One Dollar Cocktails:  Charity should be the backbone of the Christmas season, however some think it’s a great time to take a stand against the one dollar cocktails.  Don’t be the person who refuses to give the homeless guy a dollar because you are afraid he will spend it on liquor.  After all it did take 2 cashiers at McDougal’s Warehouse Liquors to load those crates of holiday wine into the back of your SUV.  Remember this man sleeps in a giant box he dragged out from behind Walmart.  He uses the river as a toilet and then is forced to bathe in the same water.  I’m no soothsayer but Id be willing to bet that this man’s health will not be compromised by any cocktail your one dollar might get him.

Rule #5 - Hands On Parenting:  When you are running around the mall this year with children in tow and you decide, “I just can’t deal with these kids anymore”, do it anyway.  If you have to yell “calm down” more than 48 times then you are doing it wrong. Stop doing it wrong. Stop yelling.  Just bend down to ear level with your child and quietly explain, “You’re adopted and I don’t like you anymore.” None of us who are incidentally in the same building with you should be subjected to the screaming.  As my mother use to tell us, “If you yell, you had better be bleeding.”  It’s simple, yet effective.  
Lets review:
- Don’t try to buy off your loved ones.  Use an old movie with a misguided notion that all rich people are mean to get the fiscal results you want. This cuts your bills in half.
- Don’t push other members of your fellow man.  Remember almost half of us are heavily armed and have Daddy issues.
- The third item we discussed was that there is no such thing as a holiday tree.  This was the brainchild of a group of liberals who were concerned about how different religions perceived the Christian’s use of foliage.
- Next we were all going to stop judging the homeless and start funding them with enough dollars to knock back a couple on Jesus birthday.
Finally, lets all be hands-on parents this year.  After all, when it comes to small children anyone can buy a leash, but not everyone knows how to tie it to the front porch.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness, Jules...this is awesome!!! I LAUGHED out loud several times. I think this will make me smile a lot throughout the day. Funny you should mention the homeless man and the $1. I usually give the people selling the papers some money, even when I really don't want to do it. I try to remember what Jesus said about whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. I also try not to judge when I see them smoking a cigarette. My knee-jerk reaction is to think, "If you can afford those, I'm not giving you money." Then, I remind myself that I would not want to be judged by a single cigarette! Empathy goes a long way! As for all the other insanely sarcastic advice, biting and true, sister! May have to share this link. Love you, you crazy broad! Ames