5 Rules To A Wonderful Christmas
waiting for several days and are starting to mold, is a threat not a courtesy. In all likelihood the individual you are assaulting is already aware of your presence and the presence of the other 362 men and women behind you, all vying for the same cut throat Commando kill game little Sammy Lou Who can’t do without while celebrating his saviors birth.
Rule #3 - Christmas Tree: Never use the term “Holiday Tree”. It’s asinine
and it pisses Santa off. “Holiday Tree” is a term created because someone decided we were offending people of other faiths with our large green trees. I assure you they do not care. Most people of Jewish faith have money and an education. My wonderful neighbors of 15 years, Maury and Isabelle Cohen, have never expressed an interested in paying $150.00 every year for a sticky tree to sit in the middle of their living room. Nor are they captivated by the concept of sitting in the lap of a heavy set guy in a red velvet suit. Therefore, I feel confident in telling you that a Christmas Tree may keep its name without fears of social outrage.
Rule #4 - One Dollar Cocktails: Charity should be the backbone of the Christmas season, however some think it’s a great time to take a stand against the one dollar cocktails. Don’t be the person who refuses to give the homeless guy a dollar because you are afraid he will spend it on liquor. After all it did take 2 cashiers at McDougal’s Warehouse Liquors to load those crates of holiday wine into the back of your SUV. Remember this man sleeps in a giant box he dragged out from behind Walmart. He uses the river as a toilet and then is forced to bathe in the same water. I’m no soothsayer but Id be willing to bet that this man’s health will not be compromised by any cocktail your one dollar might get him.Rule #5 - Hands On Parenting: When you are running around the mall this year with children in tow and you decide, “I just can’t deal with these kids anymore”, do it anyway. If you have to yell “calm down” more than 48 times then you are doing it wrong. Stop doing it wrong. Stop yelling. Just bend down to ear level with your child and quietly explain, “You’re adopted and I don’t like you anymore.” None of us who are incidentally in the same building with you should be subjected to the screaming. As my mother use to tell us, “If you yell, you had better be bleeding.” It’s simple, yet effective.
- Don’t try to buy off your loved ones. Use an old movie with a misguided notion that all rich people are mean to get the fiscal results you want. This cuts your bills in half.
- Don’t push other members of your fellow man. Remember almost half of us are heavily armed and have Daddy issues.
- The third item we discussed was that there is no such thing as a holiday tree. This was the brainchild of a group of liberals who were concerned about how different religions perceived the Christian’s use of foliage.
- Next we were all going to stop judging the homeless and start funding them with enough dollars to knock back a couple on Jesus birthday.
Finally, lets all be hands-on parents this year. After all, when it comes to small children anyone can buy a leash, but not everyone knows how to tie it to the front porch.