Friday, September 2, 2011

Verizon Needs An Enema

Four weeks have passed and no rebate from Verizon has arrived. Their sense of humor is that of a Vladimir Putin when being questioned by a human rights organization.  They are cold, superior, self governing, and still billing the people for something they never received.  Possibly another nudge from this consumer will push my fifty dollars into that stubborn envelope.
On my last post I imparted to the most brilliant readers of the twenty-first century, that Verizon could not accept a photo copy of my phone's proof of purchase along with receipts from both the Verizon Store Manager and myself, but rather needed the box.  I would like to suggest that if the box holds such importance that possibly they could have kept it in the first place.  However, Verizon like so many other major companies, assumes that customers will continue to buy the old adage, "The business of rebates is too complicated for a customer to understand."  Wrong, wrong and wrong.  It is a "recession wrong" that's been bedazzled by nasty banks and a crooked government.
After sending in the box top over a month ago and appealing to my readers, here I sit, no rebate, no apology.  I am so apology-less I've got gangrene on my understanding ear.  I am so rebate-less I have carpal tunnel in my eyelids from checking the mailbox 2783 times. Then it came to me.  I realized that Verizon did not need a box top confirming that I did indeed possess the phone they have been charging me for, for over two months.  No, the proof of purchase was not the problem at all. The mighty Verizon Corporation has been eating pricey meat and cheese for ten years and are long overdue for a customer driven enema. 

My angry letter to Verizon several weeks ago, did not inspire even a glance at the lav-oratory. The billboards I shelled out thousands of dollars for in Nashville, publicly condemning Verizon for frolicking in the fires of Hell with the Whore of Babylon, did not budge them from their bottom heavy seats.  I spent $327.00 and four days passing out bumper stickers that read, "My Family Went to Verizon & All I Got Was This %#&*# Bill!"  They did not wiggle even one obstructed pie hole.

This tells me that someone is in dire need of a H2O hosing from down under.  Someone needs a service driven apparatus shoved so far up their clogged rebate department that the relief will be felt 17,000 feet above sea level on the peaks of La Rinconada.  The liberation of the $50 dollar rebates will leave men and women weeping at the sight of their Verizon phone bill, if they're not already.

Please, Verizon victims of the world, join me in my appeal for a Verizon enema.  Go to 
or write: 

Verizon Wireless
Customer Service Department
Post Office Box 105378
Atlanta, GA 30348  

Tell them to give Jules her $50 rebate or bend over.  Thank you to all my readers for your patience, loyalty, and talent for taking nothing seriously.   (By the way, I'm sitting in a StarBucks right now in a wealthy part of Nashville next to two women discussing the Swan Ball.  I really think I should get their opinion on this.  Oh, and word to the wise; never google images of "enema" in a public place.)

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