Monday, June 20, 2011

Salmonella, My Favorite Food

Government recalled food is the best man-made creation since the Nutty Buddy.   It’s the FDA that saves me thousands of dollars on my grocery bill each year.  There are really no downsides to this method of shopping, at least not the ones people think exist.  The salmonella, for example which seems to plague peanut butter, ground beef, lettuce, and Uncle Buck’s Country Stew has no ill-effect on anyone who grew up in a two income household.  I personally cannot remember a time when the chicken was cooked all the way through.  Nor can I summon up any occasion when my father cleaned the grill instead of scraping it until the older, big pieces fell through the grate.  Therefore I believe an entire generation of children in America has developed immunity to salmonella, E. Coli, and filth in general.  This explains why the 250 foodborne pathogens that can kill the rest of the world seem to have no effect on us.

On Monday mornings I typically scan a list of government food warnings for items that are to be cleared from the shelves and returned to the manufacturer.  Fortunately, I live in the state of Tennessee where most citizens believe that Federal laws and common sense do not apply to them.  So if you can beat your neighbors down to the Piggly Wiggly first thing in the morning then you have freezer food for a month.  I once bought 6lbs of sausage for 89 cents!   And if you get just the right amount of bacterially infested food, you’ll be twenty pounds slimmer for the beach.  That’s a deal in anybody’s book. 

Today I found some interesting products which are not your typical recall items.  Kashi is recalling pizza that has fragments of plastic in it.  Kashi is a great brand with lots of fiber and whole grain per serving, so it’s possible to push just about anything through your body with that, but plastic gives me pause.  On the other hand, I do remember picking Lego pieces out of my son’s diaper when he was a baby, so apparently it is doable.  I’ll put it on the list, but with a question mark in the margin.

The next item is something called Nielsen-Massey Madagascar Bourbon Pure Vanilla Bean Paste.  Now, there won’t be a mad dash for that product.  Sounds like silk dresses and a gin glass to me.  It’s definitely a product for the Martha Stewart crowd.  Unless you can put it on ice-cream, we have no use for it.  It’s a good thing really.  Now all of the private hospital rooms at Vanderbilt will have some occupants, versus the “standing room only crowd” in the emergency room at Baptist Hospital.  How strange that the wealthiest of the city could not be touched by government taxes during a recession, but will ultimately be taken down by the Bourbon Vanilla Bean Paste used in their Crème Brulee.   That makes me so happy I think I can digest the plastic pieces now.

Luck be a fat lady tonight.  I see we’ve hit the jackpot this week.   Bimbo Bakeries is recalling all of their Entenmann’s Bagged Pop’ems and Bimbo 8 Pack Donuts.  According to the company there is an “off-smell” to the breakfast item, which means possible mold growth.  That’s no more than fifty cents a bag!  I can think of four markets off the top of my head that will stick them in a cart at the front of the store and slap a Manager’s Special sign on them.  Wow!  Life doesn’t get any better than this; at least not this year.  I can remember eating Christmas cake close to Valentines when I was a kid.  I’ll have no problem scarfing down a few scented donuts.

I could go on all morning as there are smoked salmon, English muffins, chocolate cake mix, and Mardi Gras Shrimp Dip all on the list.  Except for a couple of bakery goods with shards of metal, I’m going to drag home the best deals of the year.  If I stand any chance in hell of filling my trunk with donuts and Kashi pizza though, I’d better grab my purse and go.  

No comments:

Post a Comment