Big Oil is having trouble getting their stories straight. They have spent millions of dollars promoting the idea that North America has more oil than any other country. If that is true, then why do they have their mouthpieces in Washington threatening to leave America? On behalf of Big Oil, Congressmen are now claiming that the Oil Companies will leave America, taking American jobs with them if we don’t give them a $2 Billion dollar subsidy. I’m confused. Are the largest oil reserves in the world here in North America, or not? Exxon and BP seem to be in a unusual hurry to rid themselves of these vast oil deposits.
Honestly, it seems strange that Big Oil Companies would spend billions of dollars moving out, in order to get their hands on a couple of billion dollars in subsidies. This is not only bad math, but a huge task. The move would not be easy. They would need to dismantle and move a few thousand oil platforms, shut down 132 oil refineries (the most refineries of any country), dig up about 600,000 petroleum storage tanks, even if the above ground tanks are left behind, and then there’s the Trans- Alaskan Pipeline!
As an American I would like to say that we are not traditionally fond of blackmail, so if the Oil Companies want to take their toys and go, then so be it. We’ll even help. We’ll be happy to tear down those platforms, dig up those storage tanks and carry your Imperialist asses all the way to the border for a fair price. Don’t worry. The price we charge you will be just as fair as the gas prices you’ve charged us the past four years.
Now, as far as the Alaskan Pipeline is concerned that’s going to be a bit of a chore. Even with the aid of an entire fleet of U-haul trucks, there’s going to be some digging and lifting that will require some impressive ingenuity. This is why I am suggesting that we enlist the help of an entire race of people known as the Oompa Loompas. They are a hardworking, creative people who are capable of building a flying elevator. Surely they can handle this.
Exxon, Royal Dutch Shell, and BP are probably dismissing the Oompa Loompa idea, but that would be foolish. First of all, Oompa Loompa’s come cheap. These little men work for chocolate coins and Everlasting Gobstoppers. Second, they aren’t from America, so sub-human healthcare conditions are not a problem. If they’re injured while tugging at 800 miles of steel tubing, just push some dirt over them. I’m certain a politician will come along at some point and dole-out a nice tax break for each Oomp Loompa lost. Finally, there is no reason to think that you can’t convince the American people that Oompa Loompa’s are capable of taking on a task as big as moving the Trans-Alaskan Pipeline. If we believe oil can evaporate into thin air, we’ll believe anything.
I’m no genius in business matters, but I do have my grandfather’s ability to deduce the obvious. Therefore, it is safe to assume that the Oil Companies are going to need a place, ie; country, to put their stuff. If I were BP I’d move my operations to the biggest pile of oil I could find. That of course, is in Russia. Russia has more proven oil reserves than any place in the world. Mmm, I can smell those Socialist bread lines from here.
If this all seems absurd, it’s because politicians are absurd. Forcing the American people to pay Big Oil another 2 billion dollars in subsidies is outrageous. Big Oil is slowly destroying the American economy with high gas prices, while they make record profits, again and again. Now they have the nerve to threaten us by suggesting they’ll send our jobs over-seas? Screw them! Go ahead! Leave! Take your whole greedy, godless, anti-American attitudes out of our country!
As for the oil in American soil, it is ours. I think we’ll be able to find a few people who can get it out of the ground. Good luck and good riddance.