Saturday, January 19, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
1. Given the same moral guidelines as Lance Armstrong I too could have won the Tour de France 7 times and happily given an interview down the street from my 8000 square foot mansion admitting to this wrong doing . . . after being painted into a corner of no retreat by 12 witnesses, 38 failed drug tests, and a dozen text messages warning me of drug testers at my remote hotel in Spain.
2. Secondly, but by no means less important than an international fraud, I can sob uncontrollably upon demand. I am in my second year of menopause, therefore with little effort I can cry like a cat caught in the clothes dryer one minute and jump on the couch like a meth addicted hillbilly the next. I guarantee a mesmerized audience and can be paid off with a bag of Snickers bars.
3. I plan on running for President of the United States because God told me too. I am not a soccer Mom or the winner of a beauty contest. I am however, often the subject of small town gossip which on the surface may appear boring but throw in a few words like “witch” or “snake handling” and you got yourself a crowd pleaser.
4. I have a serious drug problem. There is no way for me to get through the day without a handful of ibuprofen and five Icy Hot patches. I've been strung out on I-Cool for the past two years and to the shame of friends and family used Preparation H for purposes not outlined on the box.
5. I am the leader of the vigil anti group SST. This grassroots society is dedicated to the elimination of idiotic words and phrases being used in the media, hence the name Stop Saying That. Lines such as, “Let me be clear,” are symbolically burned at each meeting. We as human beings with real ears expect people to be clear without stating it. If they cannot be clear then it would be best to say nothing at all. Our mantra and core belief is, “People do kill people, but they can do it faster with a gun.”
6. There is clear evidence after 5 weeks of calculations that the amount of fat I have lost over the past twenty years well exceeds the holding limit of a red wagon. After weighing all lifestyle factors including twenty Thanksgivings, 352 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, 58 jars of Hellman’s, 36 cases of Slim Fast, power walking that covered six of the seven states seen from Lookout Mountain, a bucket of laxatives, and more than 852 reruns of the Gilmore Girls watched from the sweaty seat of a Schwinn 240 Recumbent Exercise Bike, I have lost enough fat to fill a 1975 Volkswagen Bus/Vanagon Transporter. Anything less than a standing ovation is unacceptable.
7. According to medical experts at the Elm Hill Pike Walk-In Clinic, I have the first diagnosed case of Facedephobia, the fear of Facebook. I have written a book about horrific incidents that occurred less than 12 hours after becoming a member of Facebook. Good people I once thought of as family began posting unflattering pictures of me. Emails instructing me to, “comment; see comment, follow comment . . . look who else commented,” plagued my every move. Nagging reminders of people’s birthdays and anniversaries began to funnel in. Businesses refused me discounts unless I liked them on Facebook. Soon the panic attacks started as phone calls filtered in several times a day with friends wanting to know why I had not FaceBooked them. My book, “How Facebook Tried to Eat Me” is a wonderful edition to Oprah’s Book Club and a perfect opportunity to offer free Prozac prescriptions to audience members.
Friday, January 11, 2013
I live in the South. I have friends and family who own guns. I have owned guns. I learned how to shoot a handgun & I rifle when I was ten. I would defend any American’s right to own a gun. But the second amendment to the Constitution is not what the NRA is about. The NRA is a lobbyist group for a multi-billion dollar gun industry. They are supporting the selling of military weapons, not just the shotgun my Grandfather kept by the door. They are responsible for allowing weapons meant for military combat to spill into civilian society with no restrictions. The NRA is pointing a finger at those who would dare oppose them and saying you are not our idea of an American if you object to any weapon sold in your neighborhood.
Guess what? I’ll take that chance. I’ll take the chance Thomas Jefferson and our Founding Fathers had no idea that a weapon like the Bushmaster could be designed. I’ll also take the chance of being called un- American if that means one less child will die because our government outlawed deadly assault weapons. If it means our schools are safer I will be called un- American. If it means my child will not grow up in a military state where every teacher carries a gun, I will be called un- American. If it means that the people of America are being ruled by the men and women they voted into office, instead of one group looking after the financial interests of an industry, I am willing to be called un-American.
Here’s a news flash; our Constitution had more than one amendment. Our Founding Fathers were brilliant men who made the Constitution a living and breathing document. It was to be amended through time as new circumstances presented themselves. I can say it no better than Thomas Jefferson who stated, “Some men look at constitutions with sanctimonious reverence, and deem them like the arc of the covenant, too sacred to be touched; who ascribe to the men of the preceding age as wisdom more than human, and suppose what they did to be beyond amendment. Let us follow no such examples, nor weakly believe that one generation is not as capable as another of taking care of itself, and of ordering its own affairs. Each generation is as independent as the one preceding, as that was of all which had gone before.” In other words, do not allow the dead to rule the living.
It is time for America to stop fearing groups like the NRA. We should start living as our Forefathers would have wanted us to live, with audacity of courage to enforce the will of the people. Rather than waiting for the response of any group we must insist that our government be ruled by the consciences of those we have elected. If any of those elected officials are afraid or lack what is the essence of a true American then let him or her leave office quickly. We have much to do to keep our world safe and no time for those with weak stomachs.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A rich man in America is one who owns his mind. True wealth comes from a man who possesses accurate thinking while standing in a swamp of the Limbaugh’s, O’Reilly’s, O’Donnell’s, and Sharpton’s. He is a man who is able to climb out of the slimy green with an honest understanding of any issue. Rhetoric and dishonesty is the meat of the common man when economic survival is on the line. No hungry dog would turn away from a chicken bone just because it was given to the cat. We tune into what we want to hear; what we believe to be in our own best interests.
I am blessed with two amazing children who enjoy two polar opposite political attitudes. My daughter will be disgusted with me because I did not begin this article with, “A rich person in America”. My son will be concerned with the amount of time and money that went into writing this article, and the effects it might have on his future plans for dinner. Can you pick which one is Liberal and which is the staunch Conservative?
Today I woke up to my usual cup of coffee while soaking up the opinions of Democrats and Republicans on Morning Joe. The topic was about the Catholic Church and its opposition to the mandate in our new healthcare law which demands that all health insurance providers offer coverage for prescribed birth control. I. E., the American government is imposing its rules upon the rules and values of a church. I was quickly informed by the Liberals that I did not understand correctly. As it was expressed in written form in the latest edition of The Huffington Post, “It is not about government controls, and it is not about infringement of our religious beliefs. It is about a church that has lost touch with reality.”
I love those two lines. It saves the American people the trouble of thinking for themselves. The fact is that the United States Government is indeed telling the Catholic Church to provide coverage for birth control which the Church is opposed to on moral grounds. That fact denotes “Government Control” quickly followed by “Infringement of Religious Beliefs”. That is a big door I do not want to open. Both parties need to know that once the government has the keys to the front door of the church, they can throw any party they want to when you’re out of town.
The Clint Eastwood commercial was also heading the news. Unbeknownst to most Liberals and Conservatives alike, this was a campaign ad for Obama. I admit I had to go back and watch the commercial again because that went way over my head. It was even greater the second time around. Clint Eastwood was inspiring the workforce of America and it was AWESOME! Carl Rove assures me however, that this commercial was paid for by the Obama campaign due to the bailout given to Chrysler. This would carry a lot more weight if it had not been for the Bush administration also contributing 4 billion dollars to the bailout long before the Obama administration came along. Why did they bail out Chrysler? It was in the best interests of America! Once in a while politicians put down their pious dogma, look around, and realize it’s time to do what is best for America. That is what President Bush and President Obama did.
Mr. Rove is clearly off his game. A Chrysler commercial with Clint Eastwood as a spokesperson does not in any way have the feel of political favoritism. Make no mistake about it though; Carl Rove is one of the best Spinmeisters to ever play the game of politics, but he missed the board, the wall, and pissed off the bartender on this one.
Let’s not piss-off the bartender people. America cannot win if we spend all of our drinking time demonizing the other party. Let us listen, ask questions; know both sides of an argument and come to our own conclusions. Our diverse experiences and opinions from all walks of life is what fuel’s the success of this great nation. These “Crazy Liberals” and “Psycho Conservatives” are not our enemies. They are our friends, neighbors, and family. They are my son and daughter. Let us listen as well as speak, so that we may take the best parts of every plan and put America back together. Teamwork is the solution or as my Great, great, great, great, great + 25 more greats, grandfather once said, “Remember upon the conduct of each depends the fate of all.” ~Alexander the Great
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
If you live in my house then you’re a note writer. My son Patrick wrote a note last night, tragically placing it on a lone cheeseburger in the refrigerator. It read: “PATRICK’S Soul Burger! DO NOT EAT!” This burger did not belong to Patrick. It belonged to me and thus required the swift action of note retaliation.
My Dearest Patrick,
I cannot allow you to protect or covet what is not yours. It is a thorny path which has destroyed many an individual, business and nation. It is greedy, self-serving and profits nothing but the yearnings of a 15 year old boys stomach.
This is not a condemnation of your character, for many a great man has attempted to consume burgers which they neither cooked nor earned. Napoleon Bonaparte was one of these great men as I am certain you will soon learn in your studies.
Napoleon coveted one burger after another until he found himself facing down the Prussians with a burger in each hand. He was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo. Waterloo is the Russian word for “All Beef Patties”. He soon found himself imprisoned and exiled to the island of St. Helena off the west coast of Africa, where no cattle or the consumption of were allowed.
Patrick, I do not wish such a fate for you. Therefore, I will remove this deceptive note and devour this burger with full hope that my actions will influence you to become a more self-reliant and successful person.
Please do not attempt such an undertaking in the future. I am older, hungrier and I will thump your misguided little butt into next week if you touch my double cheeseburger again.
P.S. – I believe the word you were looking for was “sole”, meaning single or alone. That’s something to think about.