Bits Of News II

Leave Our Fudge Elf Alone

This story sent chills through me.  The FDA cited Kellogg’s for a number of health violations when the bacterium listeria monocytogenes was discovered on a number of production lines.  Listeria can cause a few unpleasant problems like diarrhea, fever, muscle aches, stiff neck, confusion and convulsions, blah, blah, blah...   So basically it’s no different than visiting the local Chinese Buffet.  That’s not a big deal.  Most of us have built up a sizable immunity to pathogens and are living fairly healthy lives.

 Here’s the scary part, if corrections have not been made within 15 working days following receipt of the FDA letter, the Keebler plant will be shut down!  Now that’s just crazy talk.  I don’t care if they found a severed finger in 24 tons of batter, I need my Keebler Double Fudge Elf Cookies.  In my town, a much greater number of people have fallen victim to the taco salads at Joes Beefy Barn then could ever be affected by that little guy in the yellow tie.  Let’s just calm down, regroup, and give this wonderful American company a chance to do what they do best: make reasonably clean, sweet, confections formed into mythical characters.

Save-A-Lot Father’s Day

This is an awesome Father’s Day recipe from Greg Norman I saw featured this morning!  It includes 4 rib-eye steaks, baby spinach leaves, yellow pear tomatoes, shallots, white wine vinegar and butter.  What a fabulous combination for someone whose net worth is over $500 million.  However, as most Americans have been financially mauled by the Imperialist aspirations of the banking institute, and are able to locate our net worth at the bottom of our pocketbooks, I chose to alter Mr. Norman’s recipe a touch.  One box of Bubba Burgers, iceberg lettuce and tomatoes discarded from your child’s Wendy’s burgers, bag of onions from Save-A-Lots, Two Buck Chuck Chardonnay, and a tub of Country Crock.  A bottle of aspirin is also a plus as Two Buck Chuck tends to have an after-kick to it.

Stop the Fat Research

If the couch cushions on your backside are as big as a Buick, this is sure to piss you off.  Researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago are now reporting that food eaten past 8:00pm will make you fatter.  We’ve known this for years, but in 2003 BBC put out an article that insisted a calorie is a calorie no matter what time it is.   Family members walked around advising unsuspecting relatives that losing weight by refraining from food at night was a myth.   In other words, the diet we thought was working was pure propaganda.  Women who carry around thighs like wrecking balls questioned this, but were seduced by the lie.  That one study was advertised all over the web.  “Go ahead and feast after five.”  Several thousand pounds later, no one can find a booth at Waffle House that will seat a party of four.  The new American catch phrase is, “Scoot over damn it!”  

It appears that our metabolism changes as the day wears down.  We begin to burn fewer calories at night.  The Filipinos have been aware of this for generations, why didn’t we know?  Why do we have to wait eight years for WebMD to make the announcement, “Sorry guys, but that’s why you’re fatter this year”?   And why do these ‘irrefutable’ weight loss studies have the staying power of a prostitute on Prom night?  Can’t they just do one study and make sure it’s correct?  We’re tired of reading when we could be walking.  After many years of reading research studies on weight loss, I have come to this conclusion:  let people do what works for them and save your statistics for Mississippi Casinos and STDs. 

Odd Bit Of News

Don't Be Poor:

In Madison County, Tennessee a woman is charged with "doctor shopping".  Tammy Marie Dunagan was going to multiple doctors under a 30 day period and using TennCare as payment.  She obtained prescriptions for the powerful pain relievers oxycodone and hydrocodone.   Because she used TennCare to pay for office visits she will be charged with a Class E felony.  Had Mrs. Dunagan been a popular Conservative radio announcer making 50 million a year, she would be spending the next few months in a country club atmosphere being treated for a White Collar Dependency and revealing her underlying psychological issues stemming from ineffectual nurturing.  However, being a person of lesser income, Mrs. Dunagan will be labeled a lowly drug addict and will be spending the next two years in a Tennessee State Penitentiary. This is a painful reminder to us all, “Don’t be poor.”

You Get What You Deserve:

One of the scariest pieces of news today was a man died in Texas while he was raping an elderly woman.  He rolled over in the midst of the attack and according to reports, died mysteriously.  There was nothing mysterious about it.  It’s referred to in biblical terms as the wrath of God.  It’s was the Almighty’s way of saying, “You will not be needing a lawyer today.”

God Hates Cheaters:

Another proof a God’s wrath is the game between the Bruins and the Canucks last night.  It’s no secret that the Canucks were beaten like a rented mule.  Their most powerful weapon of lying on top of the opponent’s goalie is forcing the hand of the Alpha and the Omega.  I.E., cheaters never prosper.  The Canucks should be aware of this dilemma as the Bible clearly states that the Lord “has wiped out many nations, devastating their fortress walls and tower,” so my guess is he will have no problem handling a hockey team.  Maybe next year, the Canucks will put on their thinking caps and play fair.


Harsh Irony:

On Monday in Long Beach, California, a 780 year old statue of St. Anthony was put on display at the local Catholic Church.  The Rev. Jose Magana said he decided to bring out the relic because many of his parishioners have lost hope in the harsh economy.   During Mass, however, Rev. Magana turned to find that someone had helped themselves to the Patron Saint of Lost Causes made of gold and silver. The person who took the relic has clearly misunderstood the message, therefore the .65 billion practicing Roman Catholics in the Northern Hemisphere have descended upon the city of Long Beach determined to clarify God’s message with dozens of police dogs and 780 million baseball bats.  Irony is never lost on good Catholics.