Disclaimer: Please note that this is a satirical opinion and can in no way be considered a legitimate source of fact.
The big news yesterday was the “not guilty” verdict of child murderer Casey Anthony. Prosecutors are embarrassed at the decision and have vowed to use Angie’s List when picking a jury in the future. It was unfortunate that the only twelve people in the Northern Hemisphere who were unaware of Anthony’s guilt happened to live in the Orlando area. However, Orlando is well known for their gator wrestling and dwarf tossing. So this verdict should come as no surprise.
The most perplexing element in the trial for the jurors appears to be the prosecutions inability to prove how Caylee died. The defense put forth the possibility that the little girl drowned in the pool while playing. It was presented that in her panic Casey Anthony spent a couple of hours Googling the word chloroform. This is a common mistake which occurs when a parent is in fear for their child’s safety and is highly plausible explanation of how the events occurred. As was later presented to the court however, it was Casey’s mother who Googled the word chloroform, as well as how to make chloroform, neck breaking, household weapons, (who hasn’t Googled that?) acetone, and 700 more pages of similar searches. The searches had nothing to do with Caylee’s disappearance. Casey’s mother was simply exploring new methods of how to dispose of annoying neighborhood pets. The Anthony’s are not guilty of murder they are just really bad neighbors.
Most people would consider the dumping of a body by the side of the road to be a red flag of guilt, but not this jury. They were certain that Casey’s late night parties during Caylee’s disappearance, the smell of a decaying body in the trunk of her car, the searches for household weapons, the lies Casey told to the police and the discovery of Caylee’s body on the side of a road could all be explained away if they knew how this child died. It seems unfortunate that such questions do not haunt the rest of us during periods of say, being awake. We are hindered by insight, logic and the ability to do math.
It seems unfair at times that the judgment of man is left in God’s hands. He’s too nice. For it is not enough to know that Casey will walk in darkness for the remainder of her days. We’re looking for something more satisfying on a human level, like mob rule. At the very least we would like to be locked in a room with Casey for about ten minutes to secure our pound of justice with duct tape and a tire iron. Nevertheless, we will have to settle with doing the right thing and that is, don’t watch the narcissistic life story she is bound to sell to the highest bidder. Be a winner. Don’t give the sick soul of “Casey the Party Mom,” a dime.