Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Guns & Forks

Today is a bit confusing.  I just heard that Tennessee has passed a measure to become a law which would allow guns to be carried to work.  What?  Are they serious?  There has to be a mistake.
Last week, I visited my son for lunch at school and I had to scoop an entire salad with a spork.  A spork, people!  I had to push half of it in with the edge of the bowl.  Apparently, plastic forks pose a threat to the students.  They are considered a safety hazard.  Oh yeah!  Lest I forget, there is also a ban on salt.
Now, they might be right about the forks.  My son was injured just two weeks ago by a baked Cheeto.  It was in retaliation for an overthrown Swiss Roll.  He couldn’t see out of his right eye for 12 hours.  Therefore, a spork might be well thought, but begs the question, “If sporks are dangerous, salt forbidden, and Cheetos blinding, why would anyone allow a gun?”
Honestly, how can it be considered safe for Jolene at the Piggly Wiggly who can’t count change back without the register to be sporting a side arm, but illegal for me to carry a plastic fork?  Do the powers that be consider the business of bread and butter to be a deadly occupation?  I’m pretty sure if I get a gun lobbyist to invest in my interests the same way they invest in political campaigns, I would be allowed to dump a freightliner full of forks in the middle of the school.
Oh no--a thought just popped in!  Are public workers allowed to be packin’ a cannon, a hammer, a heater, a piece, a ghetto black?  That would be most whack. Have ever seen the Ebayers storming the Post Office on Monday morning?  They’re rude, cranky and smell like their basement.  It would take all of thirty-six minutes before some hung-over Postal Desk Jockey popped a cap in somebody’s . . . .
Let’s not forget about the teachers either.  They’re already paranoid about utensils, pissed-off about a cut in benefits, and my son has not successfully completed an assignment since before Memorial Day Weekend of 2008.  Now the government wants to arm them?  At present, I simply avoid Parent / Teacher nights.  If you give them ammo, I’ll have to leave town.

I’ve always tried to look for the donut hole in the bakery, but this is a tough one.  How can this “Let’s All Carry a Gun” pan out to gold?  Maybe this could yield a few good things.  Maybe if my doctor fired a few warning shots over my head when he tells me not to drink coffee, I’ll think twice before gulping a mug of joe.  There is also the distinct possibility that with a bagboy tapping on his sidearm, the question of paper or plastic will not be so difficult a thing to answer.  Better yet, I’d bring my own environmentally sound totes and bag them myself.   
I think the great thing about guns in the work place is there would be no tolerance for “lazy”.  I’ve always found that nothing inspires people more than waving a 45 mag loaded with hollow point bullets, around the room and yelling, “Get to work!”  Productivity would go through the roof. 
There would be a few set-backs during rush hour traffic.  The children would need to lie flat on the floorboard.  The express line at Kroger could get dicey around 5:00.  And the last beer call at Tootsies could be a deal breaker, but I think I see this working.
I guess in the end Tennessee will be a far more efficient state if we can all carry guns everywhere we go.  Sometimes, even our elected officials need to use tough love to make this a better world to live in.  I can’t wait to see how it all works out.

~Elevate those guns a little lower boys.   -Andrew Jackson

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