Thursday, March 31, 2011

American Muslims: Pass The Mayo

When it comes to Muslims, America has missed their target and hit the neighbor’s cat.  American Muslims are not preoccupied with strategies for taking out utility plants, or converting a person of Islamic faith into desperate terrorists.   The idea is absurd.  American Muslims are just as in love with I-Phones, Big Macs, socks & sandals, X-Box, Facebook and Charlie Shee as the rest of us.  These people aren’t about to give up their beloved luxuries to go running through caves with a sack of cornmeal mush and a ten dollar calling card.  No, when it comes to Muslims we have something much greater to fear.   We have the sandwich.
I am certain that it has not escaped the notice of the average Christian or Jewish American that the Muslims are buying up nearly every Subway Restaurant in the country.  You can’t walk into a Subway without “Abdul Ahab” demanding a precipitous answer on the almighty bread question, “White or Wheat”? 
I’m curious.  Why all the interest in deli meats?  Why not serve Cave Kabobs or Chickpea Pizza?  Where is this stockpile of cold cut sandwiches and stale chocolate chip cookies leading?  Has the Glenn Beck talk of Muslim Brotherhoods caused us to take our eyes off the true purpose of all American Muslims?  Could Muslims actually be building one of the greatest monopolies of the twenty-second century, The Big Sandwich Monopoly?
It takes a genius to think up the long term economic effects of the $5 Footlong.  It is a devious plan to corner the market on Sub Sandwich shops and then deliberately allow them to crash.  Little by little the cheese will be more generously appropriated.  Slice by slice the ham will stack!  Beef Steak Tomatoes will fall as thick as pork chop!  Real mayo will flow unimpeded by cost or good taste!  Finally, knowing the carnivorous nature of Americans, the coup d’état of all diabolical plans will appear, CORNED-BEEF!  
Then one day as you approach that bright yellow mecca that screams, “Feed me, I want to be fatter” you are flattened by an ugly sign which reads $20 Footlongs!  You can’t afford a twenty dollar sandwich.  Your neighbors can’t afford a twenty dollars for a sandwich.  In the blink of an eye the corner SubWay is out of business. 
The news reports the nasty truth.   Unless the Government can bail out the SubWay Restaurants millions of jobs will be lost.  Lays Potato Chips will close two plants.  Stock in Spunkmeyer Cookies will crash.  Suppliers of bagged lettuce close their doors.  Creoles in Belize who depend on banana pepper sales to Subway Restaurants will trade in their HMO’s for the “Healers Hut” on the Panti Maya Medicinal Trail.  The United States Government will have little choice but to comply with the multi-billion dollar bail out proposal. 
American Muslim’s are terrorists?  I think not.  But unless American’s learn to control their “Dagwood Devouring” ways, a new threat will raise its head and say, “Would you like chips with that?”

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