WTF Are You Wearing?

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 Listen up people!   No one can see you jogging if you're wearing dark clothes!  No one! Look at yourselves.  You're wearing black while running on a black surface, in the dark. I saw one man running in full camouflage.  I do not believe I will ever see him again.  Is it the orange reflectors?  Is that what you think is going to save your ass?

It's a fact that 90% of people who enjoy an early morning run spend $23.00 on average for reflectors.  These reflectors are then stuck, wrapped, or fastened onto clothes usually reserved for funerals.  Reflectors are just that, they reflect light.  They do not possess superpowers.  You need to mix up those deathwish outfits with some white t-shirts, because frankly I'm tired of pulling reflector strips off the bumper of my car.

Here's the problem.  Doing the right thing for your health does not correct my night blindness.  I can't see no matter what kind of shape you're in.  Honestly, I support your desires to improve your bodies because I have to stand behind them at Starbucks. Yet, when I'm driving the winding roads of a dusky neighborhood, despite your valiant efforts, my vision is still vexed with halos & blurred figures. What appears to you to be three people jogging together, looks like an inflatable yard decoration escaping its moorings to me.  Thusly, it is within the realm of possibility that I kindly give it a bump back into the direction of it's home with my Chrysler 300 Heritage edition chrome radiator grille.

Now don't send emails asking me not to drive in the dark anymore.  It's not going to happen.  I've been planning this moment since I was 12.  My Uncle Doug made me realize a long time ago, I needed to save my dollars if I wanted to be able to drive past the age of 45. 

We were on the backroads of Tennessee headed for a floating trip on the Harpeth River when I noticed a double yellow line meant nothing to this man.  He hit a lot more animals than he missed. I believe he reduced the skunk population that day by half and I know he dragged a heavy object for more than 16 miles.  The moment I returned home I went to my sock drawer, grabbed all of my babysitting money, and headed for the Old Hickory Credit Union. 

After saving my money & investing in those personal computer companies in the late 80's I have ample financial protection.  I plan on driving until I can be cryogenically preserved.  There is enough money in my account to afford a town car the size of a Krispy Kreme, an adult booster seat that doubles as a private bar, $37,000 in car insurance, and enough hush money to survive eleven Russia investigations. I have planned this down to the last detail.

Trust me when I say I'm on your side.  I want you to be safe.  So when you wake up and start pulling running clothes out of your hamper think to yourself, "If it's White & Light I'll be Alright".  White t-shirts are the cheapest shirts you can buy.  Grab a handful of reflectors.  Slap them on that white t-shirt, accented by a white pair of shorts and you have an outfit that can be spotted from space.  No one can accidentally hit you.  If someone still crushes you with a Buick, you win anyway.  You might be dead, but your all white outfit makes for an indisputable crime scene.  Your loved ones will collect on a lawsuit big enough to shame any Kardashian.  So before you head out that door this morning ask yourself the safe question, "What the fuck am I wearing?"