The United States Government regrets to inform you that your Social Security is canceled. In short, the money you gave us for your retirement has been spent. We understand this will be of considerable discomfort to you. It is an unfair set of circumstance. However, it is like you have always said, “Life isn’t fair.” We are bound by duty on this day to let you know how right you were.
It is not without serious consideration that we take this action. Due to a breach in economic security we are forced to discontinue the entitlements of all citizens over the age of 55 who have blindly placed their futures in the hands of an over- burdened, underfunded, bureaucracy. The following is a sample list of expenses which have forced the United States Government to withdraw your Social Security:
* 90 Million Dollars for Pakistani Mango Farming: Through this program the U. S. Agency of International Development has been able to insure hiring and sales among Pakistani businesses. As you are aware mangos are loaded with potassium and therefore beneficial in maintaining the health and wellbeing of international terrorists living in Pakistan until the U. S. Government is able to kill them more dramatically.
* 600 Million Dollars Paid in Retirement and Disability Benefits to Federal Employees Who Have Died: We accept total responsibility for this error. However, the amount continues to grow as the number of dead people filing for benefits increase each year for no apparent reason. Not to worry though. Brain activity will be a requirement for any future fulfillment of benefits.
* 20 Million Dollars Issued For Pakistani Sesame Street: The Rafi Peer Theatre Workshop, a Pakistani arts organization, was awarded $20 million for the production of a Pakistani Sesame Street Series. The cast of puppets will be made up of new characters such as Baaji, a spirited young lad who chooses not to shoot at Americans. He will be seen in a tea cart instead of a rusted out Honda Civic loaded down with twenty pounds of TNT. This program will insure the safety of our men in uniform.
We do provide a complete list of expenses on our website U-MoneyGone.gov. Again, we apologize for any inconvenience and hope you will continue to pay your taxes as required by law. Thank you for participating in a social program brought to you by The United States of America.