Nothing made me laugh yesterday. Nothing provoked my sense of indecent cynicism. Then it happened! This trite, push button ad on the sidebar of a news page: “7 Secrets to Fixing Your Marriage.” It was a gift from God which required my immediate attention. No human can fix a marriage with a 7 point presentation. Professing to repair a complex relationship with a phone call is worse than my offering services in grammatical correctness. Something had to be done.
Mort Fertel is no amazing psychiatrist, if he’s a doctor at all, but I am impressed with his marketing skills. I played his video which used the name Julie P. as the woman playing the recovering victim. That is of course my name. Then he listed 19 thoughts a spouse might entertain. It was disgraceful. Here’s a few of them:
- "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you." An analysis and a solution.
- How to change your marriage even when your spouse doesn't want to.
- How to get your spouse to change.
- How to forgive and be forgiven.
- How do you know when to quit?
In other words you just found out your spouse had an affair and you’re desperately searching the internet for help. How low can a person sink? He is taking advantage of the most emotional time in people’s lives, so that he can drive a Porsche.
“I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you.” Wake up, Mort! The average family in my neighborhood has a $300,000 mortgage, two children, a cell phone for each child, a commute of 30 minutes into town each day, skyrocketing gas costs, and I’m not even going to talk about the cable bill. Who has time to sit down and find out if their spouse is actually feeling the love they should be feeling? I have (including this new blog) 14 hours of work to do in a 12 hour day. When I’m through with my chores at 10:00 o’clock at night I don’t want to find out that my husband has been sitting in his office mulling over the intensity of our relationship. I want to see a five star budget plan for the next two years. If he shows me a ten point increase on our credit score, I’ll show him a night that would cost most men no less than $5000 and a free meal in New York City.
This “Marriage Fitness” program is nonsense for most people. The marriages Mort is talking about are the ones where terrible offenses are committed. Basically he’s talking about adultery. Let me paint the picture for you. You are sad, depressed, vulnerable, and you have their Visa in your hand. Coincidentally, Mort is standing by to take your call. Do you make that last ditch effort to save your marriage, or buy yourself a new bedroom set and a case of scotch?
You know the answer. The answer is different for everyone. But if your marriage can be saved, then you just know it. If your spouse cheated on you, then make a decision based on your circumstances. Did he or she have a fling at work, or a line of credit with Heidi Fleiss? You understand the difference. If it’s a fling, then you must stay married and torture them for the remainder of their life. If it’s a line of credit that’s costing hundreds of dollars and drug therapy for an STD, then you will need 4 links of 12 feet of rope and a baseball bat. The talking part is over. Seriously though, whatever your case turns out to be please buy the bedroom set and scotch, but don’t give it to Mort.
Disclaimer: Jules is not an actual doctor, but a world authority on the psychology of cock-n-bull stories, and has an international reputation for unprovoked attacks.