Leave Our Fudge Elf Alone
This story sent chills through me. The FDA cited Kellogg’s for a number of health violations when the bacterium listeria monocytogenes was discovered on a number of production lines. Listeria can cause a few unpleasant problems like diarrhea, fever, muscle aches, stiff neck, confusion and convulsions, blah, blah, blah... So basically it’s no different than visiting the local Chinese Buffet. That’s not a big deal. Most of us have built up a sizable immunity to pathogens and are living fairly healthy lives.
Here’s the scary part, if corrections have not been made within 15 working days following receipt of the FDA letter, the Keebler plant will be shut down! Now that’s just crazy talk. I don’t care if they found a severed finger in 24 tons of batter, I need my Keebler Double Fudge Elf Cookies. In my town, a much greater number of people have fallen victim to the taco salads at Joes Beefy Barn then could ever be affected by that little guy in the yellow tie. Let’s just calm down, regroup, and give this wonderful American company a chance to do what they do best: make reasonably clean, sweet, confections formed into mythical characters.
Save-A-Lot Father’s Day
This is an awesome Father’s Day recipe from Greg Norman I saw featured this morning! It includes 4 rib-eye steaks, baby spinach leaves, yellow pear tomatoes, shallots, white wine vinegar and butter. What a fabulous combination for someone whose net worth is over $500 million. However, as most Americans have been financially mauled by the Imperialist aspirations of the banking institute, and are able to locate our net worth at the bottom of our pocketbooks, I chose to alter Mr. Norman’s recipe a touch. One box of Bubba Burgers, iceberg lettuce and tomatoes discarded from your child’s Wendy’s burgers, bag of onions from Save-A-Lots, Two Buck Chuck Chardonnay, and a tub of Country Crock. A bottle of aspirin is also a plus as Two Buck Chuck tends to have an after-kick to it.
Stop the Fat Research
If the couch cushions on your backside are as big as a Buick, this is sure to piss you off. Researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago are now reporting that food eaten past 8:00pm will make you fatter. We’ve known this for years, but in 2003 BBC put out an article that insisted a calorie is a calorie no matter what time it is. Family members walked around advising unsuspecting relatives that losing weight by refraining from food at night was a myth. In other words, the diet we thought was working was pure propaganda. Women who carry around thighs like wrecking balls questioned this, but were seduced by the lie. That one study was advertised all over the web. “Go ahead and feast after five.” Several thousand pounds later, no one can find a booth at Waffle House that will seat a party of four. The new American catch phrase is, “Scoot over damn it!”
It appears that our metabolism changes as the day wears down. We begin to burn fewer calories at night. The Filipinos have been aware of this for generations, why didn’t we know? Why do we have to wait eight years for WebMD to make the announcement, “Sorry guys, but that’s why you’re fatter this year”? And why do these ‘irrefutable’ weight loss studies have the staying power of a prostitute on Prom night? Can’t they just do one study and make sure it’s correct? We’re tired of reading when we could be walking. After many years of reading research studies on weight loss, I have come to this conclusion: let people do what works for them and save your statistics for Mississippi Casinos and STDs.